Throughout our lives we are confronted with external pressures that
bear on us greatly. It is how we react to these pressures that determine
to a large extent to what degree we accomplish in life. Those who take
responsibility, see their own weakness as it relates to the problem, grow
and accomplish. Those who blame others or ignore the pressures, stagnate
and achieve less. For example, in the book Pride and Prejudice the
main hero Darcy is confronted by great pressures in life, many
of which he created in the first place. Fortunately, he responds
positively to the pressures by taking personal responsibility for his
actions. He does this by acknowledging his character flaws and misdeeds. This
acknowledgment and acceptance causes him to
solve a very difficult problem, which sets in motions a
series of even more positive events for others and for himself. It also and enables him to grow as an individual, which
leads to his ultimate achievement in the story, his
marriage to Eliza. (We would like to thank the members of the Mother's Service Society
for much of the following content:)
Darcy’s
proposal to Eliza and his insistence on an explanation for her refusal
releases a torrent of her resentment and animosity against him
.... He has the option of fully justifying his behavior ... and
discarding ... accusations as prejudiced or ill informed, in which case
he learns nothing about himself and remains where and what he was.
Alternatively, he can ignore and excuse her misconceptions and recognize
the underlying truth in her accusation that he is ungentlemanly,
arrogant and undesirable, which is what he chooses to do. The
self-knowledge resulting from that choice of objective self-scrutiny
generates an intense pressure on him to modify his behavior and
character to live up in practice to the principles of generosity and
goodness that he had all along believed himself to possess.
Darcy
makes a conscious decision and willed effort to give up his proud and
arrogant sense of superiority, his aloof behavior, his unwillingness to
interact with those of lower social status. He not only tries to
eliminate the offensive behaviors of the past that
have caused current problems for a number of individuals, but
takes a conscious decision to reverse these characteristics and
act in a diametrically opposite direction
Having taken this inner
and outer initiative to improve himself ... life brings two magnificent
responses. [1. Elizabeth’s unexpected
visit to Pemberley and his arrival a day earlier than planned during her
visit, which enabled his eventual marriage to the
woman he loved 2. The second life response was that Darcy called
on Eliza just after she received the letter from Jane and was so
disturbed that she could not help confessing her most private troubles
to him. The timing of his visit and the letter was perfectly
orchestrated to create an opening for him. Otherwise, he may not have
known of the elopement for months and until it was too late and may not
have witnessed so directly how it moved the one he loved.]
We see
how magnificently life responds to taking responsibility in life. On the other hand another
individual confronted by the same great pressures of life fails to take
responsibility, blames others, and doesn't grow or accomplish in life as a
result. Consider Mrs. Bennet, mother of the daughters, who
seek their marriage in Pride and Prejudice:
She misses no opportunity
to fault Wickham, her family, and Colonel Forester for her misfortune,
but never for an instant reflects on her own most central contribution
or expresses a moments shame or regret for her conduct. Mrs. Bennet
refuses to become conscious of herself, refuses to exercise her will,
refuses any effort to change. She gathers all the energy generated in
her by the crisis and throws it out as anger, bitter accusation, sullen
disappointment, nervous discomfort and physical complaint.
When life bears down on us
and exerts pressures we can respond positively or negatively. Those who
respond positively, who take responsibility rather than blame others or be
in different, grow as individuals, and set the stage for great positive
responses from life, and great achievement and happiness.
We'll
leave you with two other little stories that illustrate the importance of
taking responsibility in life. (Many thanks to our readers who have
supplied us with so many of these wonderful real world experiences that
illustrate the ideas:)
A man was working part
time for a training company. He noticed that in so many of the
classes he did for the company, things went wrong. The site wasn't set
up correctly, the wrong combinations of people were in the class, people
arrived late, and so forth. He began to wonder if this company was
organized enough. It turned out they weren't, hence most of the
problems. When this continued to occur, he just assumed that the company
was not particularly organized, and they didn't have as high regard for
their trainers as they did the students that were being trained. This
was in fact the case.
The trainer saw that the responsibility for problems lay with the
training company. That was a fact. Then the trainer started looking at
the situation from another point of view; from a point of view of
his responsibility and involvement. He noted that although the
company was at fault for the lack of organization, it was his decision
to work only for this company, when he had the opportunity to contract
with many different companies at the same time. He had reduced his
possibilities, and had boxed himself into a situation where he was at
the mercy of the one and only company he was working for. His attitudes
toward work had put him in a difficult situation.
Though the training
company seemed fully responsible for the problems, the trainer was able to
discover his own weakness in the situation. This is an example of taking
responsibility in a negative situation. Whenever anything negative occurs
around you, even if there is no visible cause on your part, try to
understand what life is teaching you. Trace it to a related negative
quality of your own. Negative situations, no matter who was at fault, are
your great teachers!
And the
final one:
"In our unit there was a
supervisor whom I felt was indifferent, insubordinate and had to be bridled. I was looking
for an opportunity to pin him down. The time came and I dismissed him mercilessly. Within
two days of his dismissal, there was a major breakdown in one of the machines. The
supplier of the machine had sent their engineers. They struggled for 7 days and could do
very little to set right the machine. I was thoroughly disgusted. I started examining my
attitudes on several matters during the last 10 days.
It struck to me that whenever I am able to dominate,
my attitude is to dominate. I could dominate the supervisor and dismiss him mercilessly.
But in the case of the machine, I could not afford to throw it and replace it with a new
machine so I was tolerating it. I understood that I have to change my attitude. I called
back the supervisor, felt sorry for my rude action and requested him to continue in the
company. He felt very happy, the machine was fixed soon there after. Within a month this
supervisor got a good job in a government undertaking on a higher salary and parted with
me happily. Since then there was no serious trouble with any of the machines."
ONE STEP FURTHER
Super Responsibility
Taking responsibility is one
of the important ways we accept the givens of life. We embrace the
truths that life has put before us by relating the outer negative result
to our own fallibility. And yet, as we have seen, there are many levels
of taking responsibility. For example, it is far easier to take
responsibility in situations where we were clearly at fault, where our
culpability is readily apparent. At the other extreme, it would be much
more difficult, if not impossible, even illogical, to take
responsibility for something that we had no direct part in! Or is it? Is
it actually possible to take responsibility for negative circumstances
in which we played no direct part?
To answer that question, let
us consider examples of these two extreme possibilities. Let us start
with the situation in which I am obviously to blame. Imagine that I am
the chief negotiator trying to facilitate as compromise between two
parties who have a difference of opinion. In this situation, I
unfortunately make the blunder of arranging the wrong meeting place,
causing embarrassment and anguish for everyone. In such circumstances,
it is relatively easy for me to take responsibility for this negative
result, for I was the one clearly at fault. But what about a situation
where I have played no direct part in the outcome, and yet I am still
related to that project? Can I take responsibility in that situation as
well?
Again, let us imagine that I
am moderating a negotiation between two parties. After several days, the
discussion breaks down because of a disagreement on fundamental
principles. Though I have made the full effort to bring the parties
together, and I have done my work diligently and professionally, an
element has crept in that was beyond my control that prevented the two
parties from coming to an agreement. What I suggesting is that even
in this case I can take responsibility for the negative outcome!
The reason I can make this
statement is because of the fundamental relationship that exists between
my inner consciousness and the world outside myself. If there is
anything negative occurring outside myself that I am in any way related
to, I should be able to discover a corresponding wanting element in my
being, no matter how small or how subtle, change that trait, and thus
bring about a positive response. This is, in essence, the principle of
“inner-outer correspondence” which is the reason that the phenomenon of
life response occurs. Thus, even in situations where I did not have an
obvious relationship to a negative outcome, I should still be able to
take super responsibility and discover a corresponding element within,
reverse it to overcome the negative circumstances and create sudden new
positive one.
For example, in the project I
just described perhaps I had some hidden fear that I was not conscious
of at the time the negotiations were going on. From the perspective of
my “involvement,” that wanting fear is what attracted the negative
result. If I then go ahead and reverse it, life on the outside will
respond in kind. Thus, even in situations where I have had no obvious
and direct --i.e. outer and material -- influence on the outcome, I can
still take responsibility, i.e. super-responsibility, thereby
reversing the previous negative outcome. If that is true, then every one
of us has the capacity to reverse any negative outcome that has
crossed our field of awareness.
Thus, we see that there are
several shadings to taking responsibility in life. If a negative or
difficult situations arises in which our behaviors or actions have
obviously contributed to the problem, then we can certainly accept our
culpability in full. If we then go the next step and change the
corresponding limiting quality within ourselves that precipitated the
problem, life can respond overwhelmingly by canceling the negativity of
the past and eliciting other forms of good fortune. At the other
extreme, we can take responsibility for any negative outcome,
even those we had no direct involvement in creating. By taking super-responsibility,
we acknowledge the principle that we can change any negative outside
ourselves by discovering and changing a corresponding trait within
ourselves, no matter how subtle or obscure. When we shift the problem
inward, the problem outside ourselves can instantaneously dissolve. By
taking this approach, we can literally right any wrong that crosses our
field of awareness. In that way, we can literally change the problems of
the world from within.
For
additional Growth Online thoughts on the power of taking responsibility in life, click
here.
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