Growth Online > Knowledge Base > Society's Growth > Family, Marriage, Love, Romance Family, Marriage, Love, Romance by Roy Posner and MSS    LOVE-RELATED ADVICE   New!  Get Personalized Confidential Advice on    Marriage, Romance and Partnership Issues with RELATE personal relationships online expert system RELATE is the new expert system built to solve all of your partner relationship problems, issues, and concerns. Utilizing the profound insights into human behavior developed at Growth Online and sister sites, RELATE offers immediate solutions to your relationship concerns. Not only will the system help you solve your current partner problems, but when you act on them, it is likely to have enormous positive effect in other areas of your life.  (coming soon; be added to waiting list)   Introduction to Page Family | Marriage |  Love Romance of Life     INTRODUCTION TO PAGE (top)   In this section of the Growth Online Knowledge Base, we present our original thoughts, as well as links to our original articles on the Personal Growth topic of "Family, Marriage, Love." (If you wish, you can see our other Personal Growth categories.)   Here we consider all forms of love, including the higher formations that we call true love, as well as spiritual and Divine love. Family (top) Origins & Purpose of the Family | Family Happiness (as Harmony, Romance, & Spirit) The Change in, End of the Family | The Children Compared with the Parents | Miscellaneous   Origins & Purpose of the Family   Origins of the Family Man was living all alone like an animal on fruits and grains. He was his own self, i.e. selfish. He was a unit by himself, not a member of an organised collectivity. If there was a collective, it was a gregarious collective. He was moved by physical sensation of survival, hunger, and sleep. Thought was not needed, it was not born. Man was a physical individual, urged by physical sensations, mastered by the physical environment. The collective he was in was not a social collective, but a biological one.   He started agriculture to produce his own food. By this time, he was part of a socially organised collective community that settled down to a work which was learnt mentally. The single individual now expanded into an individual family. Man who was moved by his own hunger was now moved by the hunger of his family, which he did not feel but understood. (MSS)   Origins of the Family   In the earlier species, there was no family of a mother taking care of the offspring until they were weaned away. The male protected the female during the weaning period. Family was thus created and became the extended joint family, a unit of the group, because of the necessities of agriculture. Farming needed that social base. (MSS) Origins of Society & Division of Labour The origin of family is the division of labour and the first signs of the future birth of the society. (MSS) Duty a Basis of Family Duty born out of physical attachment is the basis of the family. (MSS) Family is First Glimmer of the One Body that is Representative of the Spirit The birth of DUTY is the birth of values. In that sense, the birth of the family is the first inkling of spirit in life. Sri Aurobindo says there is only one body in the world which the ego perceives as many bodies. Family and its birth is the earliest recognition of that one body. (MSS) Family & Sociological Evolution When the biological evolution matures into sociological evolution, the first appearance was the family. (MSS) Family as Beginning of Organized Society Family’s coming into existence is the beginning for an organised society. (MSS) Family as Foremost Social Institution Social evolution is the growth of social institutions. Family is the foremost of them. Marriage makes family possible. (MSS) Family & Society Family, the formation of the family, was the beginning of the society. Perhaps it was the first civilizing influence on  man, an impulse to transform selfishness into selflessness. Family is to the society what act is to the organization.   Family is the first organized unit of the society. (MSS) Family as Miniature of Society To consider the family as a miniature whole of the whole society. This view is not there in the world today at all. (MSS) The Child, Family, and Society The child through the family gets into touch with the society at several points. (MSS) Our Values and the Family The values that enable him to accomplish his goals are primarily given by the family and secondarily by the school education. Later his job supplies a few and on his own chooses or learns a few more. (MSS) Family Imparts Psychological Skills Family imparts psychological skills, schools the mental skills and job the work skills, human interaction social skills. (MSS) Our Attitudes and Family We are filled with the attitudes that we acquire from our family, friends, and the environment. School, Family, Society The school is an intermediary between the family and the society. It is in a position to help the child equip himself with most of the outer and inner endowments. (MSS) Schools & Family In certain ways, the school is beginning to replace the family. (MSS) Society Developing the Individual of the Future It is obvious now that the society which educates the individual is well on the way to "develop" the individual in future which function was essentially discharged by the family till now. (MSS) Man is Weaned by Family the Longest of All Mammals -Man being the most developed mammal takes the longest period for being weaned away from the family. -Not only the weaning period lengthens in Man, but the family gets extended developing physical attachment and vital proximity. (MSS)   Family Happiness (as Harmony, Romance, & Spirit) Family Happiness Family happiness is a sensational product of socially harmonious emotion. (MSS) Non-Domination & Happiness Absence of the motive to dominate the other is the eternal source of everlasting happiness. (MSS) Harmony All problems in life, are problems of harmony. (Sri Aurobindo) Quieting Quarrelsome Families with Harmony Flowers Quarrelsome families become QUIET when harmony flowers (Coral Vine) are brought in. (MSS) Domestic Happiness Domestic happiness is a social problem that is solved in the psychological plane. (MSS) Family Happiness through the Romance of the Spirit If each of us in the family live in Spirit, there can be endless wonder, joy, Romance of living, which can create the greatest possibility for family happiness. (MSS) Family Happiness + Romance -Romance is the sensation of adventure in an ever-fresh atmosphere. -In the combination of family happiness, which is a social emotion, with Romance that is the evolutionary sensation that seeks everlasting intensity, we have a very fertile field of action even though our evolution is social. (MSS, extracted) The Family Can Offer Spirit, Brahman View At its very best, a family can give its members the maximum the society can offer. It can go further too. It can show him Brahman. (MSS) Creating Inner Joy in a Family Any Westerner who creates a family or an institution that is inwardly joyous and outwardly a shinning star, serves this cause. (MSS) One Who Can Make a Family Great If one in the family takes up the role of making everyone get the maximum out of the family, he can raise his family to be the number one family is his world. (MSS) Non Preference for One Child When one does not show preference for one child over another, it is a sign of culture. The Change in, End of the Family The Profound Relationship Between Love and Pain Pain itself is the reverse form of Love. In ordinary words, Life permits Arjuna [in the Gita] to express his intense love for Bhishma [who is on the other side and must be killed for Arjuna's side to prevail] by shooting arrows at him.   What kind of philosophy is it? It is practical philosophy seen in life more than once. When we meet it, we are baffled. As long as we do not understand it, Love comes to us as Pain. The moment right understanding dawns on us, Love comes to us as Love. The pain is in our lack of understanding, called Ignorance. Ignorance is Pain, knowledge is Love. (MSS) Great and Noble Sacrifice of Family Members Sacrifice is a yogic principle. It is said it is a principle that relates man with God. The material sacrifice parents undertake for children is great. The psychological sacrifice children undertake in affectionate families for the parents is noble. (MSS)S) Change from Joint to Nuclear to Single Parent Family Now the joint family is yielding place to nuclear family and even a single parents family.  (MSS) The End of the Family As marriage and property have to go, the family is on the way out to a great extent. (MSS) Family Shrinking, Disappearing in the West The institution of family is shrinking and disappearing in the West. (MSS)   The Children Compared with the Parents Our Qualities in Our Children We find more of our qualities in our children. 2. We find a certain quality in us non-existent in them. 3. We find the very opposite quality of ours in them. This is so because characteristics are not fully developed in one birth. When they are fully developed one becomes indifferent or longs for the opposite. (MSS, slightly modified) What Our Children Represent Relative to Us Children represent 1. what you are, 2. what you are not, 3. what you really are, but don’t want to express. (MSS) Traits & Skills in Successive Generations Any trait or skill or attitude has a tendency to grow in subsequent generations, so we say, as is the father, so is the son. (MSS) Reversal of Trait in a Family When the particular trait is fully experienced by the being of the family, it readily reverses into the opposite. (MSS)   Miscellaneous Husband & Wife's Knowledge & Submission -Knowledge of one comes to another whose submission to him is total. -A husband cannot hide any information from a wife who is truly devoted to him. She would know automatically. (MSS) Privileges and the Family Privileges were originally for the leader only. Then the rights got extended to his family -- royal family. Later it was for the nobles and aristocracy, now it is the upper middle class. Finally it must be for all. (MSS) Lack of Integration of Education with Family/Society We see that education is not systematically merged or integrated with family or society, as employment is merged with family. (MSS) Limits of Family on Individual Born Free Man is born free in his soul, but he grows into the various occupations as his mind accepts consciously the limiting emotions of the self, the family, etc. (MSS) Untitled The fashion in which one levels off will be determined by 1) the family, 2) the society, 3) fashion of the hour, 4) our own preferences, 5) available energy, et. Instead of all these determining our future, our own decision to progress should decide at each moment. (MSS) Untitled A young man entering life sees he earns and supports the family. He is unable to see that the family fashioned his life and is still making his life possible, because he is selfish as well as looking inside. (MSS) The Family's Relationship with Member Who Does No Good Family is an institution which supports the crimes a member commits and which makes him condemned by the society. In other words, what the society condemns, the family condones. That is the essence of the family. It is done by personal affection, collective responsibility and a patience that has no end. In practical fact, if one member is dissipating and destroying the family, others who work hard and earn deny themselves the necessities and give him the money or material required for dissipation. It can be done only with family and friends, not with others. Family cannot emerge if this attitude is not there. The family must have a patience till the erring member realises on his own and reverses his attitude. In all cultured families, the struggle of the elders and other members to practise that is called family culture. In other words, one has to appreciate what he understands to be the most horrible fact. That is the freedom the family can give. Therefore, family is an essential unit of society. Now family is on the way out. (MSS) Family Supporting Child Internally through the Internet What Internet does externally to the mind, the teacher, the school or the family can do to the child internally, if they fully appreciate the evolutionary role of Internet in the lives of men. (MSS) Cultural Transmission by Family in the Process of Social Development -There are three essential stages in the process of development. In the first stage the society is prepared to move to a higher level of development through its surplus energies, awareness of possibilities, and its aspiration to see the possibilities through. In the second stage pioneer individuals in society express the aspiration in various ways. Finally, in the third stage the initiative of pioneering individuals are accepted, organized, and integrated in society. -At an even more advanced stage in the maturation of a new social activity, the family assumes an active role in its propagation. Once a new activity has been accepted as desirable by wide sections of the population, families assume an increasing role in equipping the next generation with knowledge, skills and attitudes supportive of the activity. When an activity has matured to the point that family plays a very active role in its transmission, the activity has become a part of the culture of the society. (MSS, extracted) MSS Articles on the Family Formula for Family Happiness Family and Mother's Truth Peaceful Domestic Happiness    Marriage (top) Biological Mating vs. Romance The biological mating in which stench and strength are factors grows sophisticated when beauty rises to become one aspect. Its purpose is to get the male to walk into marriage. It is functional. Romance is what man has made for his own self. (MSS) Marriage Marriage is a biological, social, psychological activity. (MSS) Man and Woman in Marriage Man is not the centre of marriage, but woman is. He needs her for his psychological fulfillment. He is fulfilled in her, while she has been traditionally fulfilled in her children. (MSS, somewhat altered) Idealism is Born of Spirit when it Survives Employment & Marriage We are idealistic in youth. Gaining employment and marriage releases us from our vision and idealism. Idealism that survives both of these landmarks is an idealism that is born in the Spirit. In the measure one is rooted in the Spirit, the Spirit offers him a job that does not interfere with his idealism. The same Spirit gives him a wife who lets him follow his ideal. (MSS, somewhat paraphrased) Not to Dominate and Happy Marriage -Absence of the motive to dominate the other is the eternal source of everlasting happiness. -If there is a couple – where one tries to dominate the other partner and spoils the marriage, they can well be contrasted with another couple who struggle NOT to dominate each other and who make their marriage a happy one. (MSS, extracted) Life is Stronger than Human Love We see the phenomenon that life [as in life's circumstances, the requirements of marriage, having children, etc. - editor] is stronger than love. Spiritually, love is always stronger than life. Here the person is unable to offer either the seriousness or intensity required of love. Hence it is overcome by the passage of time. The person wears out, not life. (MSS) Failure of Marriage Due to Unexpected Demand for Psychological Satisfaction Marriage was a social institution formed to rear the children but man sought from it psychological satisfaction. When it did not respond to his expectations, he broke it. Now he does not know where to turn. (MSS) Romance Ends with Marriage Romance, however intense or long, ends with marriage is the human experience. ... Marriages last because of social compulsion, particularly because of children. Romance vanishes into thin air. (MSS) End of Romance and Marriage Romance is said to die when it is organised into marriage. What dies is not Romance, it is the dead organisation that gives life to its death. (MSS) Love & Marriage of People at Comparable Plane I spoke of four levels, two on the surface and two in the depth. They can be called levels 1, 2, 3 and 4 for convenience. Those persons in level 1 are in the surface of the surface mind, those in 2 are in the depth of the surface, those in 3 are in the shallow depth or the surface of the depth and those in 4 are in the depth of the deep-seated Mind. When people in one level fall in love with people in the same level, life is smooth, their aspirations are fulfilled to rounded perfection. They are the successful marriages socially as well as psychologically. If both are serious, they are sedately happy. If both are silly, they find extreme happiness in silly pleasures, but they are happy. If people in one level fall in love with people in other levels, apart from the social problems they encounter, they meet with inner psychological obstacles. (MSS) The End of Marriage in the World As marriage and property have to go, the family is on the way out to a great extent. (MSS) The Power of a Wife's Goodwill Sri Karmayogi says that wives can play a very powerful role in the advancement of their husbands. He says if a woman is truly devoted to her husband and prays for him to get a lot of money that money will move towards him with astonishing speed. He is not confining the amount to thousands and lakhs. He says even crores can move towards a man if his wife wishes him to receive money of that volume. I know of a few devotee husbands who openly acknowledge that they have risen in their career and have earned a lot of money only because of their wives' good will and only because the punya they have earned by doing service to Mother at centres comes back to them as riches for their husbands as that is what they are praying for. It is a pity that so many husbands and wives do not even know the power of marital good will and are wasting the power of good will by indulging in petty quarrels and ego clashes. One of the reasons for Gandhiji to become a Mahatma is the loyal devotion and cooperation he got from Kasturibhai his wife. Roosevelt became 4 times president of the U.S.A though he was stricken with polio mainly on the strength of his wife Eleanor Roosevelt's patient and untiring care for her husband. Napoleon's wife Josephine was a flirt who indulged in affairs behind her husband's back. But Sri Aurobindo says that when he divorced her for being childless, he lost his crown and was imprisioned. According to Bhagwan Josephine was the bringer of fortune into Napoleon's life and it was a foolish thing for him to reject her for being childless. The good will can work in the reverse also. M.S.Subbhulakshmi's rise to eminence in carnatic music was due in a great measure to the support and cooperation of her husband Sadasivam. Queen Victoria attributed the success of her long reign to the good will of her husband prince Albert. (N. Asokan, MSS) Devotee couples should fully realise the power of mutual good will and reap the full benefit of mobilising that goodwill. MSS Articles on Marriage Marriage  Love (top) Levels of Love | Human Love of Partner True Love Towards Anyone (Divine Love)   Love of the Divine | The Divine's Own Love | Friendship     Levels of Love (topic) Levels of Human Love We can distinguish between various types of human love. Attachment and sexuality, love of a partner, pure human love, and divine love. It is on a continuum from lower to higher consciousness and from denser to more subtle substance. Human to Divine Love Human love of partner is the ordinary love we see between two individuals. It is special but more often than not fleeting or unfulfilling. True human love of partner (i.e. true romantic love) is a very special form, a rarer form of love for the partner. It is the linking of souls. Few have it because we are satisfied with lesser love. It is marked by romance, i.e. romance of life. True love of anyone is selfless giving without any expectation in return. It is beyond any form of human love, including human true love. It is spiritual in nature as it is in essence a movement from soul to (any) soul. The highest love of all is the love and surrender to the Divine Spirit itself. Self-giving to the Divine opens us up to the infinite potential of life, and ultimate Joy and Delight of being. It is a path that enables a vast leap in our evolutionary possibilities. Levels of Love at Four Planes Every idea expresses through related ideas that offer shadings of it at the physical, vital, mental, and spiritual levels. Take the notion of love. At the physical level it is pure attachment. At the vital level it is intensity of need and desire. At the mental level it is admiration for another's character or ideal. At the spiritual level, it is pure self-givingness. As we see when we move up the scale there is a reversal from taking to giving.   Human Love of Partner (topic) The Experience of Love The Present Moment of Live A heart that loves cannot think of the future because the Present Moment of Love has compressed eternity into it. (MSS)   Being in Love When all parts in a man simultaneously open up and are caught up in a MOMENT that is irresistible, he is in love. (MSS)   Vibration of Love Those who have had a vibration of love, especially if it had an occasion to surface, will always remember that moment and cherish it. (MSS) Human Love Human love is celebrated over the ages. One cannot see a famous film or read a popular novel without the theme of love. Man longs for that. The heart yearns for it. If only that is granted, it gives the pride of life, says a great poet. Romance of Love Boys and girls fall in love. Often the parents disapprove of it justifiably. One who has once fallen in love himself will have no heart to dissuade his child from such a course. Worldly wisdom raises the question of a happy future. A heart that loves cannot think of the future because the Present Moment of Love has compressed eternity into it. The emotion of Love can be lived. Whether it is fulfilled or denied fulfilment, it cannot be analysed or argued and win its case in the court of rationality. Man’s being has mental, vital, physical, spiritual and psychic parts. Mind responds to the form of beauty, the elegance of youth. The vital irresistibly gives in to the pull of attraction, usually called vital attraction. Physical nearness, the immediate proximity compels attraction. The Spirit does not so easily move. If it ever moves, man does not think or question. He is already behind the woman as Rishyasringar was. The psychic includes all the parts and is ready to open to a FULL counterpart. Alexandre Dumas says when a woman, who is not otherwise attractive, puts a particular clip in her hair at a particular slant, she becomes one whom very few men can resist. It is a typical vital attraction. Discussing a similar phenomenon, Tagore speaks of the flowing end of her sari that wafts his heart along with it. Have you ever loved? Have you ever lost a child? are questions asked when people of life experience try to persuade someone in love or someone in distress. A tree grows for some years, bears fruit for several years and goes dry. The human being is an organism that develops different parts of its being, feels a partial, powerful attraction at some time, gets it or fails to get it, and lives the rest of its life waiting for dissolution. When one part opens in youth and its imagination is captured by another person, it pines for it forever. It does not learn to forget it. When all parts in a man simultaneously open up and are caught up in a MOMENT that is irresistible, he is in love. He either gets it or loses himself. There is no gainsaying it. It is not in him to turn from the course or retract. Retraction is like making a river flow backwards. It becomes ROMANCE eternal when he who opens up fully in all his parts meets with another of similar disposition. Shakespeare called it ’love at first sight’. Dante felt it for Beatrice even after she had married another and bore nine children. The result of his romantic passion was the Vision of Dante, the Italian epic poem. To be in love is to be blessed. It is not to be considered in the social context of welfare or well being. Success in love is fulfilment of that emotion. The plant of Man grew up to that point for that fulfilment. Beyond that, he bides his time waiting for the final departure. That which thinks is NOT love. Love loves, does not think.   What One Seeks in a Partner Reasons for Love One may seek merely physical fulfillment, or emotional fulfillment, or mental fulfillment, or spiritual fulfillment in love, or any combination thereof. The higher the plane, the greater the form of love. Also, the greater the intensity, the more bond of love. Love, however, as normally practiced is usually mostly vital in its nature, which is the center of need, want, desire, feeling, emotion, shared intensity, etc., though it can include the need for physical stability or attachment, physical sexuality, plus shared interests and concerns at the vital/mental level. The potential for spiritual-oriented love between partners is there, though it is exceedingly rare. The varieties and combinations of love basis are endless. As society evolves, these will evolve as well. Human Love of Partner Human love of partner is the ordinary love we see between two individuals. Biological Mating vs. Romance The biological mating in which stench and strength are factors grows sophisticated when beauty rises to become one aspect. Its purpose is to get the male to walk into marriage. It is functional. Romance is what man has made for his own self. (MSS) Discovering A Person Commensurate With One's Need to Grow What is best for a man (or woman) is a partner that represents the next stage of his development, not the past, or even the present stage. (Often the subconscious knows this distinction better than the conscious.) Love & Marriage of People at Comparable Plane I spoke of four levels, two on the surface and two in the depth. They can be called levels 1, 2, 3 and 4 for convenience. Those persons in level 1 are in the surface of the surface mind, those in 2 are in the depth of the surface, those in 3 are in the shallow depth or the surface of the depth and those in 4 are in the depth of the deep-seated Mind. When people in one level fall in love with people in the same level, life is smooth, their aspirations are fulfilled to rounded perfection. They are the successful marriages socially as well as psychologically. If both are serious, they are sedately happy. If both are silly, they find extreme happiness in silly pleasures, but they are happy. If people in one level fall in love with people in other levels, apart from the social problems they encounter, they meet with inner psychological obstacles. (MSS) Love that is Really Passion of a Phobia that Life Did Not Reward Can Be Overcome by Spirit Raoul was the son of Duke Athos. He was born outside wedlock to an unmarried Duchess. Athos managed to take his lover from France to Italy where the son was born. He took his son to his dukedom and centred his entire life on the son’s joy. The son was ignorant of the circumstances of his birth. Raoul passionately fell in love with Louise, the daughter of a neighbouring nobleman. Louise later became one of the twelve ladies in attendance on the King’s brother’s wife. Louise was Raoul’s all. He lived for her, lived in her. There was no Raoul without Louise. Raoul too entered the Royal service. Louise loved him, but not as passionately as he loved her. Now the king directed his own royal attention to Louise to which she happily responded. Coming to know of this development, Raoul was heartbroken. To forget himself, he joined the army, and volunteered to go to the battlefront. There he walked into the arms of danger and was killed at a very early age. His love was a passion. It was a noble sentiment. The girl returned his love, though not an intensely as he loved. Life, instead of honouring his sentiments and consummating his love in matrimony presented a rival in the person of the King. What could a poor mortal do against a Royal Rival? Raoul’s tragedy was not so much the Royal Rival as Louise’s happily changing to the King from Raoul. That broke his heart. Life is cruel, but life acts according to its own rules. It is true Raoul’s love was one of intense passion, but it was not so much the passion of his heart as the emotion of his complex, that he was motherless. He did not know his mother was a misfortune of his life. That complex turned into a passion for Louise. Raoul’s passion did not spring from the purest sources of love, man’s love for a woman. For this reason, life chose not to consummate it but divert it, disappointing Raoul. We call such occurrences destiny or fate. The laws of life on such occasions are inexorable. Not so with The Mother. A devotee of The Mother in such a predicament need not become a victim to his own complex which we call karma. Devotion to [the Divine] Mother dissolves the complex, takes his emotions to the origins of his Personality where he discovers his own depths of love. Karma will be wiped out by Mother’s Force, if he accepts Mother at that depth. Then the complex-ridden passion can change into human emotion of the size of his Personality. If his own heart is capable of Love, Love emanates from it. The Royal Rival is formidable to face. The Divine changes the circumstances and the heart is rewarded with what it truly deserves. Once you come to Mother, no obstacle is too great to overcome. Even Royalty is no bar. (MSS, adjusted)   Ultimate Personal Growth through the Complementary Partner Ultimate Growth through Partner Relationships -Short of direct relationship with the Divine, there is no other field of human experience that provides even a measure of the scope for personal progress offered by relationships between man and woman. Indeed it has been a principle means of human evolution historically. It is in human relationships that we can most easily and fully see our failings and inadequacies because they invariably come out! -Intimate human relationships are the starting point, playing field and battleground on which the human ego awakens progressively from its ignorance of the world around it when faced with the contradictions and complementaries of the opposite sex. One can really outgrow relationships only when the emotions and vitality are too pure to be attractive to or satisfied by a partner and one is left alone to relate to the Divine. (MSS, slightly modified) -Regardless of whether the relationship is positive or negative, harmonious or full of conflict, life touches most people more deeply, comprehensively and integrally in intimate relationships, thus it is the most powerful vehicle for self-discovery and progress short of yoga [spiritual evolution] --and also by far the most difficult and challenging! (MSS)   Darcy Darcy's love of Eliza in Pride and Prejudice is the true romance of life, the true adventure in which he discovers his higher nature in his quest to win over her love. In his quest to end the elopement he is participating in the Romance of Life.   Progress through a Failed Relationship: Thoughts on 'A Lady of Virtue ' Episode These are thoughts on the dual response that happens around 22 minutes into ‘A Lady of Virtue’ episode of The Duchess of Duke Street:  Two responses essentially came at once.  The letter about her husband’s death and George’s sudden appearance with word that his contact appreciated Diana’s art. On the surface, it seemed to be a negative response, followed by positive one. A level deeper we see that the negative response was actually a positive in disguise. I.e. because of her husband’s debts, she now felt freer to be a more independent woman, even pursuing her art career. (The second, positive response from George indicated the same opening to a career.) Through the entire ordeal, she moved towards more independence where she could now pursue her art, beginning with the publication of her book of drawings. Through George, her movement toward success was made possible. It is progress through Nature’s slow and difficult path.  Through him, she also suffered because what he was ultimately true to was his political career in marrying Ms. Monroe. In one sense, he reminded me of Nickie In ‘An Affair to Remember.’ I.e. insensitivity to his lover’s feelings; thinking mostly of himself. Love is the instrument for her growth, even if it failed in of itself. Her career emerged from it. I believe what precipitated the dual response was Diana’s realization, intention, and focus that she could turn her artistic efforts into a success; perhaps even a real career. I don’t quite recall ever seeing such a striking dual life response come at once. (And it had both that troubling (response 1) and good news quality (response 2) at the same time.  I am sure it is there in P&P, but I don’t recall where. What is the principle that attracts such as a DUEL response?  (I feel there is something significant here, but what?) Also, what is the energy that attracts a response that has both sadness of news about her husband along with the positive of George’s information about the interest in her art. At the end, the Duchess (Louisa) mostly sees the negative in George. And yet even Diane admits in the end that she is on the path of something new in her life. In politics there is the negative embedded in the positive. Those who participate are thusly affected.  We see this in the outcome of the story; of a certain falseness, despite love both he felt on the surface. (Maybe it was only attraction.) In many relationships, it’s failing is the opening to greater possibilities, as it was for Diane. If that is true, what are the implications for a relationships site?     Spirit and Love Relationship   Soul Connection of True Love The urge to find one's soul is our human destiny. It can come thorough our association with another, including love of another. In True Love, there is seeking for soul to soul connection. It is Romance. That is what we seek and yearn for in the depths, though on the surface we may only see lesser parts.       Miscellaneous   Man Seeks Psychological Fulfillment; When Denied He Leaves Instantaneously It is a truism of the man-woman relationship that the man who seeks psychological fulfillment in the woman must always be rejected in the depths of the woman he is after. The moment she does want him really and expresses it foolishly, he will leave her instantaneously. Butler [in Gone with the Wind] leaves her the moment she wants him – it is a wanting, not love. (MSS)   Tragedy of Soul-Based Love Unfulfilled In the wider scheme of life, it is possible that someone whose flame arises from such depths [of the Soul] mistakenly bestows it on another who is not of that cast, but is mundane. Then it becomes a tragedy, but as far as the one in love is concerned, it is alive, though incapable of fulfillment. Dante wrote ’The Divine Comedy’ in Italian because he lost Beatrice whom he thus loved. His love might not have been consummated, but ’The Divine Comedy’ became immortal literature. It also happens when the other person is not capable of equally great intensity of aspiration. Sometimes the tragedy is institutionalised by their marriage - one consumed by the flame of love, the other oblivious of it and lost in the affluence of the household. Whether there is a remedy for such tragedies is a valid question in modern times. Such a remedy can be suggested in a full-length book or a long article that describes its various aspects. (MSS)   The Evolution of a Man's Love for the Woman Based on the Evolution of Women Modern man, as the masculine principle, is only now surrendering authority to the woman and granting her full freedom. He wants the woman to serve the needs of his ego and has used authority and dependence to enforce it. Now woman is becoming economically and socially free and independent. She is no longer bound by compulsion to a single man. As the creative principle of delight, she loses the restraint and offers delight to the cosmos as a whole, no longer to the individual ego. Man feels the lose of authority, yet he consents. Why? Because he aspires for the love freely given by a fully formed individual like Eliza Bennett [in Pride and Prejudice], not the clinging dependence or subordination of a half formed personality. He can only have that when woman is completely free and developed in her own right. (MSS)   Problems in Love Partner Relationships Types of Man-Woman Relationship Problems Ego assertion Insensitive to the other Oblivious to the truth of things Not enough time to put in relationship Neglect Incompatibility Dishonesty Assuming things that may not be true Impatience in initiating relationship Ignorant of another’s true feelings Over domination Lack of strength Quiet resentment Sexual incompatibility Lack of attraction Lack of love Unwarranted trust Elicit affairs Improper distribution of duties Lack of organization Lack of common goals, view of their future Money issues Listening deficiency Reluctance to suggestions, advice Lack of common interests Lack of common values Other suitors Lack of, too much shown emotion, affection Selfishness Sarcasm, bitterness Instability, directionless, etc.  in one’s work Jealousy Alcohol, drug, gambling, etc. addiction Conflict between work and relationship Not enough time for relationship Not enough romantic pursuits, getaways, etc. Conflict caused by family influences Roughness towards other Complacency in relationship Boredom Lack of spark Over-intensity Long distance relationship Promiscuousness Children, parent issues Partner spends too much time with friends Conflict over TV, computer, etc. use Lack of trust Inability to commit Unreliability Relationship in limbo Unrealistic expectations Misreading the other person Insincerity in relationship Illness Deceit Feeling of Insecurity Need for privacy (e.g. late teens) Love for another’s wife or husband Infidelity Maintaining one’s looks Sharing the bills Divorce proceedings Lack of energy, fatigue Confined space Criminal behavior Wastefulness Unemployment Overeating, overweight Slovenly, messy, unclean Stingy, spend-thrift Incompatibility (e.g. in arranged marriage) Impracticality (of decisions, actions, accommodations, etc.) Overreliance on other Domestic violence Over attachment Over dependence Rival suitor, lover   Love Loses Itself to Realities of Life Life is Stronger than Human Love We see the phenomenon that life [as in life's circumstances, the requirements of marriage, having children, etc. - editor] is stronger than love. Spiritually, love is always stronger than life. Here the person is unable to offer either the seriousness or intensity required of love. Hence it is overcome by the passage of time. The person wears out, not life. (MSS) Normal Love Loses Itself to Life Love, if successful, leads to life, which as a rule has a self-affirmation of hard realities of basic necessities, psychological co-existence and, on occasions, mental approval. Love does not survive these demands. (MSS)   Romance Ends with Marriage Romance, however intense or long, ends with marriage is the human experience. ... Marriages last because of social compulsion, particularly because of children. Romance vanishes into thin air. (MSS) End of Romance and Marriage Romance is said to die when it is organised into marriage. What dies is not Romance, it is the dead organisation that gives life to its death. Untitled Love never survives the touch of earth, however essential it may appear to us. (MSS)    Selfishness & Blindness of Human Love Human Love Human love is selfish. It can turn into hatred and enmity. We hear occasionally of life long friendship turning sour and bitter. (MSS) Selfishness of Human Love Mother says human love is full of selfishness. Friendship, trust, confidence, good will, goodness, and affection are rare. (MSS) On Human Love that is Blind One would love to be blind if only Love lasts. Behind this idea of blindness lies a philosophical truth. Love is the pure celestial emotion for the Beloved. Sadhaks writing to Sri Aurobindo about love or divine love got a reply saying divine love is love for the Divine. Man extols the idea of his love for the woman and desires to raise it to the divine status. Sri Aurobindo quickly disenchanted the writer about his illusion. He even asked one correspondent if it was an application for marriage. The romantic youth idolises his beloved. To him, love is a sacred word symbolising his emotion for the object of his love. He would see her perfect, and would not listen to any information to the contrary. Even when she is abusive, coarse, her true nature refuses to make a dent in his armour. What is known to youth as love has several grades - passion, infatuation, intoxication, illusion, charm, attraction, all of which qualify to be blind. Passion has three or four versions. Physical passion such as Romeo’s egged him on to climb into the chambers of Juliet, during which process he was oblivious. Romeo was possessed by a passionate energy and he was under its spell. The varieties of human nature permit a mixture of the noblest emotion of the heart with the strongest urges of the body. Passion can be physical, vital, mental and spiritual. All the above variations of love listed exist at all these four levels. When we say Love is Blind, we mean Love renders the lover blind during the spell. He is disenchanted when the spell ends. In the imagination of an ardent youth earnestly in love, it is not an emotion that admits of disillusionment. To him, during the SPELL, love is eternal, whether it is pure love or infatuation. While he is attracted to his object of love, he is blind, not because he refuses to see the defects, but to him no defect can be there in her. It is a blissful mental state. What is in love is one’s personality commonly known as ego. Ego sees what it wants to see, not what is there. Sri Aurobindo says ego is of the Infinite. We refer to ego as self, and the Infinite in us as Self. The self is blind, but the Self that sees into the past as well as future sees in the other the self-same SELF in which there is no defect. This truth is highlighted by the Upanishads as ’all is in each and each is in all’. The Divine perfection of flawless Self of the other comes to Man as the capacity to be Blind to the defects of the beloved during the spell of charm. Every human action, emotion, thought, or movement has its divine counterpart. Man sees them as inverted. Love is the most attractive emotion to the youth’s exuberance. It loves to be Blind in its love. (MSS)   Betrayal in Love Betrayal in Love Can Be Discovered in Our Own Falsehood Which Spirit Can Avoid A lady marries for love having experienced that evanescent emotion that elevates one to rarefied heights. After a time, she discovers that it was love on her part and ordinary marriage on the part of the husband. The disenchantment grows into disillusion when she hears out of his mouth that his motive was her dowry. Sometimes she also finds out he was not faithful to her or to her emotion for him. She discovers the truth in the saying that the rosy path leads to a nasty end. Most take the realities of life in the stride of age. Some take it to heart and only that becomes a reality of life for the rest of her life. It is true Sri Aurobindo has a solution, even for this eternal curse of a yearning heart. He says the betrayal is not in the other person, but in us. Contradictions are complements, obstacles are opportunities. This is old wisdom that reveals its forceful truth after a time. But, how can a man condone infidelity in a beloved? Does Sri Aurobindo offer any feasible solution that a loving heart can accept without rankling? The Divine Mother says She does not give us the occasion to lie when we decide not to lie. Its abundant truth is the abiding experience of all who turn away from falsehood. She not only exhorts us to be true, but practically supports us in our endeavour by changing the very atmosphere. Here in the occasion of another’s betrayal, if we try not to look into the merits or demerits of the individual case, but try to understand the idea that there is no evil, wrong, error, mistake, or falsehood in the world except what we SEE from inside our ego, The Mother changes everything right. News comes to us contrary to our previous convictions. The power lies in our accepting The Mother, our willingness to look into our own contribution to the problem. The rule that without a corresponding act on our part no one can do us wrong is an ultimate LAW. Understanding it dissolves our part. With it, the part of the other too DISSOLVES. (MSS, modified somewhat) [INTERPRETATION: We are betrayed because in the beginning we didn't perceive the original truth of the situation, the person that enabled it to occur. Had we done so, we could have avoided it. When we come to the higher consciousness and Spirit we are more intuitively aware of such realities to begin with, enabling us to avoid them. Coming to the spirit, the atmosphere is also too positive too allow such things to take place independent of our awareness. Even without this, living in the lower normal consciousness, we can learn from the experience, and see the good that came out of it. Also, we see that the good that comes out of it, only comes through the association with that individual. (This is contradictions are complementaries.) -the editor]   Other Limited Social Values We Have About Women & Men It is customary for us to value intelligence in general, beauty in woman, memory, presence of mind, resourcefulness, capacity to solve tangles, physical strength in man, etc. These social attitudes have no real lasting value but socially they are of greatest importance. (MSS) Mistaken Marriage of Girls Girls from cultured, educated families often err in seeking a groom from a neo-rich family for the sake of a high job or a professional degree. She will be the sorry witness to her husband’s painstaking efforts to build the character of her children: mercenary values, deceitful strategies, short-term gains will be held aloft before the children as VALUES. She would know what her own family outgrew seven generations before are the precious goals of her present consort. It is a tragedy of life that has no solution in life. In yoga [spiritual connection] there is a solution for this too. She would be daily witness to children taking pride in acts for which every member of her family would be ashamed. (MSS)   Love that Has the Sanction of the Soul Within & the Godhead Without There is a spiritual principle that nothing occurs without the sanction of Jivatma [the soul] and Paramatma [the Godhead].  [Such as an intense illness, tragedy, or great achievement, or love itself. -adds Editor.]   In two people meeting for a split second and falling in love with each other such a sanction is there. As the sanction of Jivatma is there, it rises from the very depths. The sanction of Paramatma comes to him as another person of similar aspiration. Therefore, it completes itself.   The love of Romeo and Juliet was consummated in death, but as far as their souls were concerned, each had its fill. (MSS, modified)   Purer, Truer Human Love; Romance as Truer Love; Partner as Higher Complement Human to Divine Love True human love of partner (i.e. true romantic love) is a very special form, a rarer form of love for the partner. It is the linking of souls. Few have it because we are satisfied with lesser love. It is marked by romance, i.e. romance of life.   True, Undying Love of  the Deepest Depths What we call Mind is our surface mind. Mind exists in our depths. This love resides in us in the very depths, in its foundation. It does not get released at the sight of ordinary mortals capable of attraction, who need a spouse or an affectionate companion. Nor does it respond to charm that is otherwise irresistible. Man’s mind can be divided into surface and depth. Even the surface can further be divided into higher and lower. The depth too can be divided into two - the shallow and the deep. This love, called the sacred yearning of the heart capable of eternal Romance, resides in the deepest parts of the depth. When two such people meet it rises as a SPARK of lightening and creates an indelible impression at its origin. It is undying. It is powerful enough to move the social forces as it directs. Therefore, it always fulfils itself. Its perception is all-embracing. (MSS) The Nature of Romance/Romance of Life -Civilisation as well as its whole, the creation, is sustained by the evolutionary energy generated by the eternal aspiration for the Eternal. [The eternal is the Spirit, the Divine.] -Romance is then the Eternal seeking the Eternal Eternally. [It is the Divine Spirit seeking out the Divine in our lives.] -We seek this Romance in another person, through a soul to soul connection, a reflection of the  Eternal Seeking the Eternal. -Each person has a soul, the spark of the Divine. It has entered us to fulfill a purpose, the Soul's purpose through our growth and evolution. -Romance is therefore the play of one soul with another. -Romance is also aspiration of the unattainable. It cannot be found in one individual because that person is only a part (of the truth). Still we try. It is romance. The Whole is what the soul seeks through the part of the individual. -The Eternal eternally presents itself to the ephemeral for its valid acceptance. [I.e. the spirit seeks itself in the lives of Man, between partners as well as in the adventure of life.] That is why Romance rears its head all the time at all ages. It knows no death. Romance never dies. It cannot die. It has never died in the history of man. -Romance is permanent. Eternal romance is an ever-living ideal of the human heart and the human soul. -Romance is the sensation of adventure in an ever-fresh atmosphere. -The seeking is the adventure. Attaining is the fulfillment. -To seek an emotional adventure of the highest type for the love of danger and the possibilities of destruction – of the body or the ego or status – is romance. -Romance emerges to give life to death and dead habits. -Romance is irresistible sweetness, charm, and attraction issuing from a delight of union, of integration of consciousness. -The charm of Romance issues from its Divine character of universal attitude and infinite dimension. -People of the level of Eternal Romance are very serious, of immense Patience and unshakeable calm. Life never troubles them. No trouble troubles them. Their very calm calms the opposing disturbances. Wherever they are, they make their mark unmistakably. -Romance is the spirit of evolution. It originates in the body, goes to the mind, crosses the Spirit, and spills over to the 3rd dimension of evolution. (Paraphrase of MSS ideas on Romance, with comments in brackets) Permanence of Romance The one thing for which the heart finds a ready answering chord is the permanence of romance. Eternal romance is an ever-living ideal of the human heart and the human soul. Is Romance, eternal romance, ever attainable? Civilisation as well as its whole, the creation, is sustained by the evolutionary energy generated by the eternal aspiration for the Eternal. In the Mind it dawns as the attraction for Beauty. In the heart, it emerges as fullness of rich emotions for which one is willing to die. It is life giving. When sour, the same emotions can take another’s life. In the Spirit, it is Love. It can give itself wholly. It revives the dead heart. It lives for Love as it energises Life. It is consummated at the level of the Spirit. (MSS, slightly altered) (MSS) On Romance Romance is man seeking woman for the joy of self-annihilation. When man dissolves his ego in the woman’s ego, there is a rare fulfillment. Of course it has varying versions that often include their opposite. Literature instructs us. Romance is self-giving. To give oneself to another in love is romance. To give oneself to another so that the other’s love will be fulfilled is another version of romance. Such fulfillment can be elevation of both, destruction of one by life or by another or self-destruction. To seek an emotional adventure of the highest type for the love of danger and the possibilities of destruction – of the body or the ego or status – is romance. It can be one’s own destruction or the other’s. Such a destruction has its own versions of sublime elevation, magnificent benevolence, or cruel tyranny or can be anything. Whatever it is, romance abides. (MSS) Soul Connection of True Love The urge to find one's soul is our human destiny. It can come thorough our association with another, including love of another. In True Love, there is seeking for soul to soul connection. It is Romance. That is what we seek and yearn for in the depths, though on the surface we may only see lesser parts. Spirituality & Romance Spirituality is considered as the antithesis of Romance. The truth is that spirituality is the opposite of social, family life, not of Romance, which is a play of one soul with another soul. (MSS) Darcy Darcy's love of Eliza in Pride and Prejudice is the true romance of life, the true adventure in which he discovers his higher nature in his quest to win over her love. In his quest to end the elopement he is participating in the Romance of Life. See the Pride and Prejudice Project True Romance through Spirit The physical eyes see the beauty, the vital sensations enjoy the pleasant temperament, both of which can be lost in time. The Spirit sees no defects, as it has no defects of its own. Any defect you see in the other is ONLY a reflection of your own defects of which you are unaware. ... For the spiritually awakened eye, there is no defect either outside or inside. Then life can be an eternal Romance.  (MSS, extracts)   Also See Thoughts on Romance of Life Opening to the Spirit that Can Support Pure Love Love at first sight is something that can fulfil itself in varying degrees. The Divine Mother [opening to the spirit] offers the least of persons the most when their love is pure and their hearts are sincere. (MSS) Romance is Eternal Seeking the Eternal Romance never dies. It cannot die. It has never died in the history of man. The Eternal seeks the Eternal Eternally. It is Romance. The seeking is the adventure. Attaining is fulfilment. (MSS)   What Hurts Pure Love -It is rarely realised that mundane attitudes or mercenary motives can hurt pure love mortally. -Impatience, tension, hurry, lying, unwanted secrecy, etc. carry the force of falsehood, [and hurt love]. (MSS)     True Love Towards Anyone (topic) True Love of Anyone True love of anyone is selfless giving without any expectation in return. It is beyond any form of human love, including human true love. It is spiritual in nature as it is in essence a movement from soul to (any) soul. Love for Others Gives Happiness It is not the love that someone feels for you that can make you happy, it is the love you feel for others that makes you happy: for you receive the love that you give from the Divine, who loves eternally and unfailingly. (The Mother) Divine Love, True Love Divine Love, true love, finds its delight and its satisfaction in itself; it has no need to be received and appreciated, nor to be shared -- it loves for the sake of loving, as a flower blooms. To feel this love in oneself is to possess an immutable happiness. (The Mother) Human Love vs. True, Divine Love Human love is selfish. It can turn into hatred and enmity. We hear occasionally of life long friendship turning sour and bitter. [True, Divine] Love is incapable of becoming anything other than love. It is incorruptible as it is Delight received by the Soul behind the heart. ... People who fall in love used to think that their love is divine love. Divine love is defined as love of the divine. It has nothing to do with the love of one human being for another. (MSS, slightly modified) Love Only Gives Love gives. It cannot take. It can only give. (MSS) Love's Right of Self-Giving They always speak of the rights of love but love's only right is the right of self-giving. (The Mother) On Pure Love Love is pure, and SELFLESS. It never fails. Go in and ask yourself how selfless your love is. If you need your husband’s love or child’s affection, is it selfless? It is selfish love and will always fail, as it has an axe to grind. Do you love your son for his joy? Are you fulfilled in his happiness? That is a superior love. Such a love knows no failure, as the Origin of Love is absence of failure - Ananda. (MSS) Love Gives Without Return Love is self-giving without asking anything in return. (The Mother) True Love True love exists where the partner, parent, friend, or other association seeks the fulfillment of the other person's aspiration.  (Paraphrase of MSS)Love and Truth -Love will only predominate when Truth emerges over falsehood. -Love triumphs in an atmosphere of Truth. Vibration of Love Those who have had a vibration of love, especially if it had an occasion to surface, will always remember that moment and cherish it. (MSS) Love's Laws of Change -The law of love is Man may vary, life may change for better or worse, but LOVE knows only to grow in strength and gain in purity. -Love has an infinite capacity for change, each a special splendour of LOVE. (MSS) Grow by Giving The happiest people have one characteristic in common –- they are continually giving of themselves. While most of us are fully absorbed in our daily concerns and routines -- driven by our own needs, desires, and ambitions -- the happiest of people literally lose themselves in the feelings, thoughts, and aspirations of others. For example, one man noticed that whenever he went shopping, and shifted from his own concerns to those of the person he was with, everything began to flow perfectly thereafter. Likewise, a stingy individual noticed that whenever he loosened up and spent money on others, shortly thereafter good fortune would come his way -- often in the form of inflow of money exactly equal to the amount he had just spent! Action Plan: Try a little experiment. The next time you meet with someone, immediately put yourself in that person’s shoes -- concerning yourself only with what is on their mind. Listen carefully to their thoughts and feelings, showing genuine interest. Also, make the effort to control your own opinions. Make the effort to embrace the other person’s point of view -- even if differs substantially from your own. You will notice thereafter that the other person has become energized, animated, and involved. You may also notice how unthought of points of view, or fresh perspectives are raised in the conversation. (They may in fact turn out to be more interesting and beneficial to you than anything that might have been on your own mind.) Shifting your focus to the concerns of others has this extraordinary capacity to attract freshness and wonder. Love is Self-Giving Only They always speak of the rights of love but love's only right is the right of self-giving. (The Mother) Source of True, Divine Love True, Divine Love comes about through continuous opening to an surrender to the Divine. It then wells inside, as do other spiritual powers of oneness, wisdom, delight, power, etc. It also comes simply by moving from selfishness to selflessness and self-givingness, after which is higher aspects of Love descends into the being to further one's own Divine, True Love. Scope of Self-Giving Delight of being is the greatest joy one can have in life. The level of one's Delight is enhanced by the quality of our self-giving, which runs in a continuum from self-giving to others, to self-giving to the Divine, and ultimately to self-giving to the Divine in man. Unfortunately, man misses this Delight of self-giving, instead seeking the objects of life he wishes to gain; i.e. self-taking. On Self-Giving -Selfishness is universal. It often goes with meanness. We witness Selflessness often in action. It leaves its expansive touch on the onlooker. To be selfless is good, but to practice self-giving is to be SPIRITUAL. -Self-giving expresses love, receiving it as grace from above. -One who sees in himself the impulse of Self-giving will do well when his self-giving is directed to the Divine instead of to those around him. (MSS, slight modification) On Accomplishment through Selflessness and Self-Giving -The opposite of selfishness is unselfishness or selfl